1 00:00:49,180 --> 00:00:50,360 You're going to love it here, Dad. 2 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,080 It looks really super, Tom. 3 00:00:53,180 --> 00:00:54,180 Doesn't it, Dad? 4 00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:02,500 Dad? 5 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,140 Oh, yes, it's lovely. 6 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:07,600 Very well kept. 7 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,220 I'm sure it'll be a great new adventure. 8 00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:12,900 That's the spirit. 9 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:29,720 I'll go and see to the beers. 10 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,120 You hang on. 11 00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:52,940 It's a real crappy fear, isn't it? 12 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:54,800 David! 13 00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:55,940 David! 14 00:01:56,780 --> 00:01:57,780 Well, it is. 15 00:01:57,930 --> 00:01:59,010 I think it's terrible. 16 00:01:59,330 --> 00:02:00,750 Don't be a chump, David. 17 00:02:01,270 --> 00:02:03,170 It's just another step on the road. 18 00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:04,490 Where? 19 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,390 To wherever we're all going. 20 00:02:07,290 --> 00:02:08,350 Come on, lad. 21 00:02:08,830 --> 00:02:11,050 Too many words of smile, if you please. 22 00:02:12,270 --> 00:02:13,650 Remember the emu. 23 00:02:33,550 --> 00:02:35,130 We are not in bed, God forbid. 24 00:02:35,390 --> 00:02:37,670 Oh, Diana, you are a naughty. 25 00:02:38,190 --> 00:02:41,030 You waggly and nasty little finger at me, woman, or I'll bite it off. 26 00:02:41,590 --> 00:02:43,610 Oh, it's such a lovely day. 27 00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:46,470 So? Well, God gave us this day to enjoy. 28 00:02:46,890 --> 00:02:48,770 What do you want me to do, go hang gliding? 29 00:02:49,850 --> 00:02:52,250 You always sit in your sun lounge. 30 00:02:52,650 --> 00:02:54,190 I don't think I could stand the excitement. 31 00:02:54,710 --> 00:02:58,230 I watch the grass growing, the grass watches me shrinking. 32 00:02:59,150 --> 00:03:02,650 Dear, oh, dear, somebody has got out of bed the wrong side this morning. 33 00:03:02,870 --> 00:03:04,130 Got out of either side, yes. 34 00:03:04,670 --> 00:03:06,610 Oh, you mean you haven't been today? 35 00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:11,170 I beg your pardon? We haven't had a little twinkle today. 36 00:03:11,530 --> 00:03:12,530 Oh, God. 37 00:03:12,870 --> 00:03:15,510 All right, we're going to have to join the rubber sheep club. 38 00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,930 Come on, let's see. Get out! 39 00:03:18,650 --> 00:03:21,210 Dear God, you really are quite unpeakable. 40 00:03:21,570 --> 00:03:22,570 Tis the matter. 41 00:03:22,590 --> 00:03:23,910 You've just happened a clue, have you? 42 00:03:24,250 --> 00:03:25,250 Not a clue. 43 00:03:26,130 --> 00:03:29,260 No, I mean, we're very easy going here. I mean, rule the... such are kept to a 44 00:03:29,260 --> 00:03:33,040 bare minimum. They're more common sense and courtesy guidelines than rules. 45 00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:34,300 Can I have a pet? 46 00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:37,620 We're not too keen on the larger pets, cats and dogs. 47 00:03:38,140 --> 00:03:41,980 There's always the problem of what happens to them after their owners... 48 00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:46,000 on. Of course. 49 00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:47,440 I mean, small pets, fine. 50 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:49,360 Budgies, gerbils, hamsters. 51 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,100 Lizards? Sorry? 52 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:52,800 Can I have a lizard? 53 00:03:53,460 --> 00:03:55,380 You haven't got a lizard, Dad. 54 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:56,680 But I can get one. 55 00:04:00,780 --> 00:04:04,420 and purchased her finest to come back and find I'm living in a lizardless 56 00:04:04,420 --> 00:04:05,420 society. 57 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:06,560 Oh, no, please, please. 58 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:09,700 I'm sure we could cope with a lizard. 59 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:11,600 Now, mealtime. 60 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:12,880 What about a snake? 61 00:04:12,900 --> 00:04:13,900 Tom. 62 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:15,860 Well, it would be good to have a snake around the place. 63 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:20,620 They could eat all the gerbils and budgies left behind by the residents who 64 00:04:20,620 --> 00:04:21,620 moved on. 65 00:04:22,580 --> 00:04:23,580 Yes, 66 00:04:26,420 --> 00:04:28,920 I can see you're going to be a bit of a humorist, Dan. 67 00:04:29,820 --> 00:04:30,820 Tom. 68 00:04:34,670 --> 00:04:36,510 We're off on the big outing next week. 69 00:04:36,870 --> 00:04:38,390 Hooray. I heard that. 70 00:04:38,610 --> 00:04:42,590 Good. Where is it this time? Another hunt for cut -price burial plots? 71 00:04:45,810 --> 00:04:47,070 Actually, we're going to France. 72 00:04:47,450 --> 00:04:50,750 On a pilgrimage to Lourdes. Oh, my God. In the minibus. 73 00:04:51,030 --> 00:04:52,290 Have you gone quite mad? 74 00:04:52,670 --> 00:04:55,370 Oh, Lourdes is very well known for its healing qualities. 75 00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:58,310 Well, that minibus isn't. It took us two hours of it. 76 00:04:58,990 --> 00:05:00,710 We've been taking it very slowly. 77 00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:03,230 Took it slowly to Torquay, and look what happened. 78 00:05:03,930 --> 00:05:06,610 Hardly hear yourself talk for the thud of falling bodies. 79 00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:13,190 I take it you won't be coming? I am neither suicidal nor Catholic. Oh, non 80 00:05:13,190 --> 00:05:15,050 -sectarian. I am glad. 81 00:05:16,970 --> 00:05:20,430 I'd hate to think anyone was precluded from sudden death on religious grounds. 82 00:05:20,970 --> 00:05:23,370 A little faith would do you no harm. 83 00:05:23,770 --> 00:05:24,890 Do you know what faith is, Jane? 84 00:05:25,490 --> 00:05:29,370 Faith is what helps you make the quantum leap between the believable and the 85 00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:30,730 totally bloody ridiculous. 86 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:32,700 It's a terrible cynical. 87 00:05:33,180 --> 00:05:36,160 I do hope so. I'd hate to think that my time here had been totally wasted. 88 00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:38,420 I don't think you enjoy it. 89 00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:41,020 Sniping away at me and the residents. 90 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,220 No, I don't. You lot are fitting duck. 91 00:05:43,460 --> 00:05:45,640 You need a moving target to enjoy it. 92 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:51,700 Of course, you can eat in your own bungalow, but you can also eat in here 93 00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:54,460 main building. And this is our dining room. 94 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:55,699 Oh, really? 95 00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:56,800 What happens in here? 96 00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:58,840 Well, 97 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:00,680 we eat in here. 98 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,400 Oh, I see. 99 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:05,900 That's why it's called the dining room. Very clever. 100 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:11,760 This is the dining room. They call it that because people dine here. 101 00:06:12,060 --> 00:06:13,500 Tom, you don't embarrass us. 102 00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:17,840 Now, here's someone you'll get to know well. This is Jenny. Jenny, Mr. Bollard. 103 00:06:18,340 --> 00:06:20,680 Bollard. How do you do, sir? 104 00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:22,280 You must call me Dan. 105 00:06:23,020 --> 00:06:24,560 Tom. It's your name. 106 00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:25,900 It's Tom. 107 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,460 Yes, and then you'll be like Tom and Jenny. 108 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:37,120 You know, like the cartoon, Todman... Yes. 109 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:42,180 Well, moving right along is the residence lounge. Don't you worry, Tom. 110 00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:45,640 not all like him. He's our only Major Pratt. Oh. 111 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,580 Bit of a shag and a rock, eh? 112 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,320 Well, we'll have to have him ringed. 113 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:09,500 Do you care to rephrase that? 114 00:07:10,380 --> 00:07:11,900 You play Scrabble on your own? 115 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:15,200 Good God, so I am. And I thought I was playing with the Dagenham Girl Pipers. 116 00:07:15,740 --> 00:07:19,400 Would you like me to rattle someone up to play with you? Oh, thank you. I like 117 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:20,400 playing by myself. 118 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:21,580 It's easier to cheat. 119 00:07:22,580 --> 00:07:26,080 If I start losing, I can always drag old Lionel out of his cupboard. 120 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,540 Lionel? Oh, dear. 121 00:07:29,020 --> 00:07:30,020 Haven't you heard? 122 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:31,160 What? 123 00:07:31,420 --> 00:07:33,380 Lionel is no longer with us. 124 00:07:33,900 --> 00:07:36,800 Oh, do stop talking in euphemisms. Do you mean Lionel is dead? 125 00:07:38,220 --> 00:07:39,220 gone to another place. 126 00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:41,100 What other place? 127 00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:42,700 Heaven. 128 00:07:43,540 --> 00:07:46,120 I'll hit you one of these days, so help me I will. 129 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,540 What did he die of? 130 00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:50,980 Well, he just sort of stopped. 131 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,660 Unusual. Terminal boredom. 132 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:58,280 Another green bottle falls off the wall. 133 00:07:58,740 --> 00:07:59,740 I thought you knew. 134 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,920 They hardly shout these things from the rooftops, you know. 135 00:08:03,340 --> 00:08:05,220 Never see a hearse in here in daylight. 136 00:08:06,370 --> 00:08:09,510 Flip in under cover of darkness like body snatchers. 137 00:08:10,550 --> 00:08:14,290 Sun comes up and everyone's trying to avoid looking at the untouched bowl of 138 00:08:14,290 --> 00:08:15,490 frosties on the breakfast table. 139 00:08:16,690 --> 00:08:19,410 Would you like a pill? A mood elevator? 140 00:08:20,170 --> 00:08:22,250 You are a pill, Jane. Go away. 141 00:08:29,310 --> 00:08:30,610 Poor old sod. 142 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:42,620 Oh, it is nice, isn't it? 143 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:44,320 Nice. 144 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:52,760 I think Geoffrey wants you to pop outside while we have a man -to -man 145 00:08:52,980 --> 00:08:53,499 Oh, right. 146 00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:54,479 Come along. 147 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,920 We can't leave Grandpa here. 148 00:08:56,340 --> 00:08:57,340 Out. 149 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:09,240 Dad, if you don't like it here, we'll forget the whole thing and go home. 150 00:09:09,660 --> 00:09:11,160 Thank you, Geoffrey, but I don't think so. 151 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,420 If I stayed there one more night, poor Marion would probably strangle her 152 00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:15,940 psychiatrist. No, no. 153 00:09:16,620 --> 00:09:19,060 She's just a bit, you know, highly strung. 154 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:20,800 And so she should be. 155 00:09:24,860 --> 00:09:26,380 Stop feeling guilty, Geoffrey. 156 00:09:26,660 --> 00:09:29,140 We're all glad to see the back of each other. That's not true. 157 00:09:29,460 --> 00:09:30,620 Well, I'm concerned it is. 158 00:09:31,060 --> 00:09:32,580 Really? Oh, yes. 159 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,340 I love it here. 160 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:36,039 Oh, well. 161 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:37,040 Jolly good. 162 00:09:37,140 --> 00:09:38,240 Of course, we'll come and visit. 163 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:39,620 Don't hurry. 164 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:42,560 Right. 165 00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:44,940 Got to have adventures, Geoffrey. 166 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,120 This is my next adventure. 167 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:52,860 This is the upper reaches of the Nile, the Trek de Lhasa, the Brazilian 168 00:09:53,820 --> 00:09:55,040 This is Bournemouth. 169 00:10:30,190 --> 00:10:31,190 I'm a flamingo. 170 00:10:35,070 --> 00:10:37,070 Oh, my God, a fruitcake. 171 00:10:39,810 --> 00:10:40,810 Cup of tea? 172 00:10:40,990 --> 00:10:44,530 What? To go with your fruitcake. Thank you, but I'm reading. 173 00:10:47,990 --> 00:10:49,310 My name is Tom Jones. 174 00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:51,750 You've probably heard of me. I'm a famous singer. 175 00:10:52,970 --> 00:10:57,130 I work in Las Vegas, sweat a lot, and throw my underwear to middle -aged women 176 00:10:57,130 --> 00:10:58,310 who scream for my body. 177 00:11:02,570 --> 00:11:06,150 It's not unusual to be loved by anyone. 178 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:15,090 Hello, 179 00:11:19,010 --> 00:11:19,469 Miss Trent. 180 00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:20,309 Everything all right? 181 00:11:20,310 --> 00:11:21,310 No. 182 00:11:21,750 --> 00:11:23,250 Wonderful. Brits this evening? 183 00:11:23,510 --> 00:11:24,510 No. Hello, Dan. 184 00:11:29,750 --> 00:11:31,390 Looking for some new chums, eh? 185 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,360 Looking for some food, actually. 186 00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:36,500 Come with me. 187 00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:40,880 Miss Trent, I've got someone to meet you. 188 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,840 Dan Bollard, this is Fiona Trent. 189 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,460 I just know you're going to get on marvellously together, so I'll leave you 190 00:11:47,460 --> 00:11:48,800 do just that. See you later. 191 00:11:50,620 --> 00:11:51,620 Diana Trent. 192 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:53,120 Tom Ballard. 193 00:11:54,140 --> 00:11:55,440 So you're not Tom Jones. 194 00:11:56,260 --> 00:11:58,400 I was just trying a new conversational opening. 195 00:11:58,660 --> 00:11:59,660 Didn't work. 196 00:12:00,170 --> 00:12:01,410 Do you mind if I sit down? 197 00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:02,930 Well, 198 00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:04,490 I won't if you don't want me to. 199 00:12:04,670 --> 00:12:07,410 Stand, do whatever you like. You can burn to the ground for all I care. 200 00:12:09,410 --> 00:12:11,970 Since you put it so nicely, I'll sit. 201 00:12:14,430 --> 00:12:15,630 There, I've sat. 202 00:12:16,050 --> 00:12:17,250 What do you want me to do, applaud? 203 00:12:18,670 --> 00:12:19,890 I knew I shouldn't have sat. 204 00:12:22,210 --> 00:12:23,770 Hello, Tom. Settling in all right? 205 00:12:23,990 --> 00:12:26,710 Oh, yes. I'm having the time of my life. Wonderful place. 206 00:12:26,970 --> 00:12:27,970 That's the spirit. 207 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,880 Pity everybody else doesn't have such a positive approach. 208 00:12:31,260 --> 00:12:34,620 Each to his own, Jenny. Some people like being cheerful, others enjoy being 209 00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:38,180 miserable. Just as long as they enjoy themselves, that's the main thing. 210 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:39,520 Well, say it louder. 211 00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:41,080 Somebody might hear you. 212 00:12:46,180 --> 00:12:49,660 It's cloying old fuddies like you that give the elderly a bad name. 213 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:55,540 Trotting out your trite little homilies like some refugee from Reader's Digest. 214 00:12:56,750 --> 00:13:00,550 You might enjoy being a quaint old parody of a human being, but I've still 215 00:13:00,550 --> 00:13:01,670 my balls, thank you very much. 216 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,230 This meat isn't very good. 217 00:13:12,470 --> 00:13:13,349 Never is. 218 00:13:13,350 --> 00:13:14,309 What is it? 219 00:13:14,310 --> 00:13:15,310 Squirrel. 220 00:13:17,270 --> 00:13:20,510 These carrots seem to be from a tin, if I'm not mistaken. 221 00:13:20,730 --> 00:13:22,650 Better at weekends when the relatives are around. 222 00:13:23,110 --> 00:13:24,210 Doesn't anyone complain? 223 00:13:24,790 --> 00:13:26,110 Not often. We're British. 224 00:13:26,620 --> 00:13:27,720 Bad food is a way of life. 225 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,940 They serve dead dog, they complain to the RSPCA before the chef. 226 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,560 Well, I'd better have a word with Mr Baines. He won't do any good. 227 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:37,960 He just runs the place. 228 00:13:38,580 --> 00:13:40,720 I just run the place, you see, Tom. 229 00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:45,860 But surely running the place would encompass the provision of decent food. 230 00:13:45,860 --> 00:13:47,880 I think the food is rather good, don't you, Jane? 231 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:49,380 Oh, yes, Mr Baines. 232 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:50,780 We never have any complaints. 233 00:13:51,140 --> 00:13:52,500 Jane, you're lying through your teeth. 234 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,180 You'll be struck down long before you get to Lourdes. 235 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:59,680 Not many complaints. It's a question of budget, you see. 236 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,440 Oh. But I'll tell you what I'll do. 237 00:14:02,940 --> 00:14:06,060 I'll have a word with Cook and see if he can't put some choice cut for thigh 238 00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:12,220 just for you. And you, of course, Miss Trent, be just on to new, nodding a 239 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:13,280 eh? Oh, no. 240 00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:17,580 I wouldn't like to think I was getting preferential treatment to my fellow 241 00:14:17,580 --> 00:14:19,400 inmates. Residence, Dan. 242 00:14:20,140 --> 00:14:21,140 Residence. 243 00:14:50,079 --> 00:14:56,780 I do hope he's not going to be a 244 00:14:56,780 --> 00:14:58,680 troublemaker. Oh, I'm sure not. 245 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,380 I'm not a difficult man, Jane. 246 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:01,880 Oh, no, you're not, Harvey. 247 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:03,160 A mistake. 248 00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:07,100 You see, if this place fails financially, people won't put their 249 00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:07,979 other bay views. 250 00:15:07,980 --> 00:15:11,460 So I would be depriving thousands of senior citizens of their place in the 251 00:15:11,460 --> 00:15:15,460 if I were to allow it to function in any way but the, well, reasonably 252 00:15:15,460 --> 00:15:16,460 profitable. 253 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:20,000 I mean, it's nothing to do with my part in the profit share scheme, but, you 254 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,100 know, shareholders are people too. 255 00:15:22,420 --> 00:15:23,780 Oh, I do understand. 256 00:15:24,380 --> 00:15:25,380 So you'll keep an eye on things. 257 00:15:26,340 --> 00:15:29,870 Sorry? Let us know in advance if the apple cart looks like being upset. 258 00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:31,590 Oh, I see. 259 00:15:32,310 --> 00:15:34,310 Maybe Dan would like to go on the Lord's trip. 260 00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:56,660 I don't wish to know. 261 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,280 Tai Chi? 262 00:15:58,600 --> 00:15:59,700 Never heard of it. 263 00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:01,260 Chinese exercises. 264 00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:04,500 Pumping up the yin and the yang. 265 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:05,840 Sounds disgusting. 266 00:16:06,060 --> 00:16:08,220 It permits a healthy mind and body. 267 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:09,520 What for? 268 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,260 So that you may live a long and healthy life. 269 00:16:12,460 --> 00:16:13,460 What for? 270 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,119 What for? 271 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:18,900 Yes. What is the point of having a long and healthy life if you spend half of it 272 00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:20,560 stuck in this place waiting for it to end? 273 00:16:21,140 --> 00:16:22,760 Yes, yes. Tell me, Miss Trent. 274 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:24,900 What did you do when you were alive? 275 00:16:27,940 --> 00:16:29,300 I was a spinster. 276 00:16:29,740 --> 00:16:30,740 Is that a profession? 277 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:32,120 It's an attitude. 278 00:16:32,540 --> 00:16:37,500 I was a self -contained unit. I did exactly as I pleased until the dismal 279 00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:39,880 iniquities of age turned the tables on me. 280 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:46,320 What was your excuse for cluttering up the planet? 281 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:47,940 I was enjoying life. 282 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:49,160 I still am. 283 00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,500 Must be wonderful to be a simple... Oh, it is. 284 00:16:52,540 --> 00:16:53,880 Did you have an occupation? 285 00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:55,700 Oh, yes. 286 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:59,320 For many years, I was a bullfighter. Oh, my God. 287 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,980 I fought under the name of Eric Corsovis. Maybe you've heard of me. I 288 00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:07,079 Malaga 20 years ago. You were badly gored. Indeed, I was. 289 00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:10,880 See, there's a scar. 290 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,240 Oh, the bull took your appendix out at the same time. 291 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:16,740 They're very smart animals. 292 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:18,460 And then what did you do? 293 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:20,260 I was an astronaut. 294 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:21,640 Oh, yes. 295 00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:23,819 Between trips to the moon? 296 00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:25,300 A financier. 297 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:27,200 An accountant? 298 00:17:28,119 --> 00:17:30,360 Yes. A humble accountant? 299 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:34,520 One of many humble accountants in a very, very big firm. 300 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,380 I sat at the same desk every day for 40 years. 301 00:17:38,660 --> 00:17:40,020 Hence your fantasizing. 302 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,660 Not fantasies at all. 303 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,080 We had three weeks paid holiday a year. 304 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,200 Plenty of time to fight bulls on the moon. 305 00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:53,480 So, you're just a boring... man who's led a boring life. 306 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:54,820 You're absolutely right. 307 00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:57,920 I've bought for the world 11 for many, many seasons. 308 00:17:58,260 --> 00:18:00,280 Become a ludicrous preserve to boot. 309 00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:02,960 Yes. Everything I do is for effect. 310 00:18:04,020 --> 00:18:09,280 You see, I'm terrified that if people don't notice me, that they might not be 311 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:09,919 here at all. 312 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:10,799 They're not. 313 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,140 I've never seen or heard of you. There's no one there. 314 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:16,520 I'm talking to a figment of my own diseased imagination. 315 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,200 Surely you wouldn't bother to think me up. That's true. 316 00:18:21,980 --> 00:18:23,420 I've just checked in the mirror. 317 00:18:24,780 --> 00:18:26,180 I was actually there. 318 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,660 That is assuming the mirror was really there. 319 00:18:30,940 --> 00:18:32,180 Never assume a presence. 320 00:18:32,460 --> 00:18:34,960 You can only ever be sure of an absence. 321 00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:37,800 It's just about thumbs you up. 322 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:39,900 You're such a sweet person. 323 00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:43,040 Just because we're old doesn't mean to say we have to be polite to one another. 324 00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:44,720 I believe in being polite to everyone. 325 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:46,780 Even mad bulls. 326 00:18:47,220 --> 00:18:50,210 Please. Don't tell me any more about yourself. I don't want to know. 327 00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:51,930 There's no time. 328 00:18:56,310 --> 00:19:00,630 The only thing I ever did of any note was to found the Kingston -upon -Thames 329 00:19:00,630 --> 00:19:02,830 Communist Party. Look, I don't want to know. 330 00:19:04,790 --> 00:19:07,210 The Kingston -on -Thames Communist Party? 331 00:19:07,890 --> 00:19:09,630 Yes. Did you have many members? 332 00:19:10,130 --> 00:19:11,270 No, none at all. 333 00:19:12,950 --> 00:19:16,350 It was just another of my totally futile gestures in life. 334 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,060 Do you know anything about communism? 335 00:19:19,100 --> 00:19:22,060 Anyway, I picked up from Hemingway in the Spanish Civil War. 336 00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:27,620 Cordobis, he said to me, Marx and Engels have nothing to do with ice skating. 337 00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:31,440 Listen, Ballard, you're not an original. 338 00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:34,740 You can't disguise gibberish as original thought. 339 00:19:35,020 --> 00:19:36,320 Just like the rest of us. 340 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,600 In this life, we do three things. 341 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,060 We're born, we consume, we die. 342 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,480 Now, you and I have done the first two. We're now just waiting to do the third. 343 00:19:44,940 --> 00:19:46,160 We've come here to die. 344 00:19:46,910 --> 00:19:49,770 So kindly, do it quietly and with dignity. 345 00:19:50,870 --> 00:19:52,050 And on your own. 346 00:19:54,290 --> 00:20:01,150 I met Mick Jagger 347 00:20:01,150 --> 00:20:02,150 once. 348 00:20:02,290 --> 00:20:03,990 At the siege of Madrid. 349 00:20:04,990 --> 00:20:06,370 Bet you never did that. 350 00:20:30,860 --> 00:20:34,380 Sorry, Mr. Bellard, I must have forgot you. No, no, Jenny, you didn't. I'm not 351 00:20:34,380 --> 00:20:35,379 having any. 352 00:20:35,380 --> 00:20:36,380 You don't like it? 353 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,100 I'm on a hunger strike. 354 00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:40,700 Oh, that's all right, then. 355 00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,440 Give us a yell if you change your mind. 356 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:47,100 I'm on hunger strike. 357 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,359 Oh, yes? 358 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,360 Like Gandhi. 359 00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:50,560 I like Gandhi. 360 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,320 Finished already, Tom? 361 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,140 No, I'm not having any. I'm on a hunger strike. 362 00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:58,200 Oh, you don't do that, Tom. 363 00:20:58,460 --> 00:20:59,460 I do. 364 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,780 I'm not going to eat until the food gets better. 365 00:21:17,020 --> 00:21:18,020 Dan. 366 00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:19,500 Harry. 367 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:21,640 Sorry? 368 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:22,920 Harry. 369 00:21:23,660 --> 00:21:25,740 No, it's not Harry, Dan. It's Harvey. 370 00:21:26,620 --> 00:21:27,680 My apologies. 371 00:21:28,460 --> 00:21:32,300 One should always try and get a person's name right, or they might think you 372 00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:33,300 don't care for them. 373 00:21:33,900 --> 00:21:35,820 Right. So how are things? 374 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:37,040 Things are fine. 375 00:21:37,100 --> 00:21:39,080 So you were just pulling Jane's leg, right? 376 00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:41,140 I would never presume such a liberty. 377 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,140 Oh, so you are on a hunger strike. 378 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,800 Just until I'm presented with some food I would consider worthy. 379 00:21:48,580 --> 00:21:50,160 Have you mentioned this to anyone? 380 00:21:50,580 --> 00:21:52,680 The sun, the mirror, and the times. 381 00:21:56,650 --> 00:21:59,290 Don't you worry about a thing, Dan. 382 00:22:04,230 --> 00:22:06,930 If I could just have your attention for a moment. 383 00:22:08,130 --> 00:22:10,490 Now, about our trip to Lourdes. 384 00:22:10,910 --> 00:22:14,430 Now, I'm sure some of you will remember the success of last year's trip. 385 00:22:14,670 --> 00:22:16,430 Success? Did someone make it home? 386 00:22:18,410 --> 00:22:20,450 These trips, like some little joke. 387 00:22:20,730 --> 00:22:21,730 Two people died. 388 00:22:22,690 --> 00:22:25,750 Now, you know that's not true. More than two, was it? 389 00:22:26,979 --> 00:22:31,380 Anyway, just so I can get a rough idea of numbers, could I have a show of hands 390 00:22:31,380 --> 00:22:32,820 from all those interested? 391 00:22:36,780 --> 00:22:38,260 Anyone for Lourdes? 392 00:22:40,380 --> 00:22:44,780 We do stock up with duty free at Boulogne. That's if you make it that 393 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:56,880 are going to do us, Miss Edwards. 394 00:22:57,280 --> 00:23:00,420 It's a wonderful place and I can personally attest to its healing powers. 395 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:06,200 I myself benefited from them after suffering severe injuries while working 396 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:07,179 Spain. 397 00:23:07,180 --> 00:23:08,180 Olé! 398 00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:10,560 I urge you all to go. 399 00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:13,420 I'm sure a wonderful time will be had by all. 400 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:25,280 And you say the food's OK? 401 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:26,680 Wonderful. 402 00:23:27,540 --> 00:23:28,600 So you're not hungry? 403 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,260 Why should you ask that? 404 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,640 No reason, just thought you might prefer to come home. 405 00:23:33,100 --> 00:23:35,260 Why should I want to leave? I've only just got here. 406 00:23:35,660 --> 00:23:37,440 Well, we miss you. 407 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:40,000 Don't we, Marianne? 408 00:23:41,620 --> 00:23:45,240 But when you were laying your new patio, I distinctly overheard someone suggest 409 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:49,540 that it might be a good idea if I was to become an integral part of the concrete 410 00:23:49,540 --> 00:23:50,540 mix. 411 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:53,660 I just skinned a rabbit in my sewing room. 412 00:23:57,380 --> 00:23:59,160 Will you come home now? 413 00:23:59,780 --> 00:24:01,680 No, no, no, Geoffrey. 414 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,360 You can't stop the crusades at Cyprus. 415 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:07,640 I am a foot... a board. 416 00:24:07,940 --> 00:24:10,580 See? He's very happy here. He wants to stay. 417 00:24:11,460 --> 00:24:12,460 Oh, all right. 418 00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:18,500 Goodbye. 419 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:22,320 Gasty creature. 420 00:24:23,310 --> 00:24:24,950 She'll have been strangled at birth. 421 00:24:25,410 --> 00:24:26,710 Are you talking to me? 422 00:24:27,770 --> 00:24:31,030 Do you know about you? 423 00:24:31,890 --> 00:24:32,890 Possibly. 424 00:24:34,330 --> 00:24:35,550 How's the hunger strike? 425 00:24:38,470 --> 00:24:42,450 Never miss a trick, do you? The consistency of your malevolence is 426 00:24:42,690 --> 00:24:43,690 Do you want some? 427 00:24:44,870 --> 00:24:45,990 Get thee behind me. 428 00:24:46,230 --> 00:24:47,830 I do love to see a man of principle. 429 00:24:48,030 --> 00:24:49,450 They're so fatuous nowadays. 430 00:24:50,430 --> 00:24:52,830 Eat your sweets, Miss Trent. 431 00:24:53,790 --> 00:24:55,210 She's got your number, you know. 432 00:24:55,410 --> 00:24:59,230 Who? Baines, of course. Why do you think your awful offspring suddenly turn up 433 00:24:59,230 --> 00:25:00,410 saying, come home, all is forgiven? 434 00:25:00,810 --> 00:25:03,110 Why? He wants you out. You're a troublemaker. 435 00:25:03,310 --> 00:25:04,310 He's been on to them. 436 00:25:04,530 --> 00:25:07,910 Oh, dear, your dad's not happy here. He weeps into his soup. 437 00:25:08,310 --> 00:25:11,570 Better take him home before he kills himself and brings disgrace upon your 438 00:25:11,570 --> 00:25:12,570 house. 439 00:25:12,710 --> 00:25:13,770 He wouldn't do that. 440 00:25:14,010 --> 00:25:16,310 Well, he tried it with my family, got on to my niece. 441 00:25:17,010 --> 00:25:18,410 Lashings of moral blackmail. 442 00:25:19,150 --> 00:25:20,150 But you're still here. 443 00:25:20,230 --> 00:25:22,750 Yes, of course I am. My niece was trained by me. 444 00:25:23,870 --> 00:25:27,170 She told Baines if I wanted to do myself in, I was to be given every assistance. 445 00:25:28,310 --> 00:25:29,510 But that's awful. 446 00:25:29,950 --> 00:25:30,950 I thought it was splendid. 447 00:25:31,670 --> 00:25:33,190 Awful of Baines, I mean. 448 00:25:34,410 --> 00:25:37,590 You don't treat El Cordobis like some common picador. 449 00:25:41,690 --> 00:25:44,250 I don't think we'll have too much trouble from dear old Dan. 450 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:47,460 Had a word with the daughter -in -law. She knows how to get him into line. 451 00:25:47,820 --> 00:25:53,660 You have to be a people manager. You know, Jane... And I must say, I'm rather 452 00:25:53,660 --> 00:25:54,660 good one. 453 00:25:54,740 --> 00:25:56,100 Oh, you are, Harvey. 454 00:25:56,340 --> 00:25:57,340 You are. 455 00:25:58,640 --> 00:25:59,640 Dan! 456 00:25:59,860 --> 00:26:01,460 Tom! Got that? 457 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,040 Tom! Tom? Is this correct? 458 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:05,580 Well, I should have been informed. 459 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:07,300 Do come in, Tom. 460 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:08,960 Now, what can we do for you? 461 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:10,480 What? 462 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:20,840 Now listen to me. We don't seem to have much choice. I said listen. 463 00:26:21,180 --> 00:26:22,180 Sorry. 464 00:26:22,540 --> 00:26:26,440 In this institution, you have over a thousand years of wisdom and human 465 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:27,620 experience. Understand? 466 00:26:28,140 --> 00:26:31,640 You don't have a bunch of old crocs who need managing and herding around the 467 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:32,700 place like lame sheep. 468 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:38,260 Also in this institution, you have paying customers. We pay you work. What 469 00:26:38,260 --> 00:26:39,259 that make you? 470 00:26:39,260 --> 00:26:40,560 Our employee. 471 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:42,740 Right? Right. 472 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:46,860 So, as one of your many bodies, I am now going to give you some instructions 473 00:26:46,860 --> 00:26:49,000 about the food round here. Now, Tom, I did explain... Quit! 474 00:26:51,660 --> 00:26:53,560 This is not a discussion. 475 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:56,680 Here are your orders concerning the food. 476 00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:02,960 You will obey these, or I'll put phase two of my plan into operation, and that, 477 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:08,300 I can assure you, will snap your little yuppie brain right down the middle. 478 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:10,740 Do you understand? 479 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:15,960 Yes, Tom. 480 00:27:17,900 --> 00:27:19,660 Come along, Mrs. Somerville. 481 00:27:19,940 --> 00:27:22,600 Come on. No time to wait. You won't need that if you get back anyway. 482 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:27,400 Not going to Lourdes, then? 483 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:29,180 I value my health. 484 00:27:29,460 --> 00:27:30,460 You're learning. 485 00:27:31,140 --> 00:27:33,120 Here you've given up the hunger strike. 486 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,540 Yes. Don't you have no balls? 487 00:27:36,380 --> 00:27:38,420 What's your favourite dish, Miss Trenton? 488 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:40,640 Salmon. Why? 489 00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:43,640 Ben? 490 00:27:45,450 --> 00:27:46,450 Harry! 491 00:27:46,670 --> 00:27:47,670 It's hot. 492 00:27:53,690 --> 00:27:54,690 Yes, Tom? 493 00:27:56,990 --> 00:27:58,910 Poached salmon for Miss Chen, please. 494 00:28:01,550 --> 00:28:02,489 Sure, fine. 495 00:28:02,490 --> 00:28:03,490 Why not? 496 00:28:03,710 --> 00:28:04,710 Poached salmon. 497 00:28:05,130 --> 00:28:06,130 Caviar. Poverty. 498 00:28:06,350 --> 00:28:07,249 Why not? 499 00:28:07,250 --> 00:28:09,270 Why not? Yes, why not? It's only money. 500 00:28:10,530 --> 00:28:11,530 Profit. 501 00:28:14,350 --> 00:28:15,550 did you manage that? 502 00:28:16,090 --> 00:28:20,330 I told him that if the fool did not improve, I would disembowel myself on 503 00:28:20,330 --> 00:28:21,490 steps of the town hall. 504 00:28:23,150 --> 00:28:24,150 Would you have done? 505 00:28:24,290 --> 00:28:27,790 Certainly not, but he doesn't know that. He thinks I'm a potential psychopath. 506 00:28:33,450 --> 00:28:35,910 They all think you go barmy after 70. 507 00:28:37,390 --> 00:28:38,890 Exploited, that's what I say. 508 00:28:47,540 --> 00:28:50,660 I'm a bullfighter. You're a crackpot. 509 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:53,060 At least I'm prettier than you.